Category Archives: horror

31 Days of Horror: Scary Movie 4 (PG-13; 2006; 83 min.)

Posted on October 25, 2021 | Leave a comment

Sometimes during my 31 Days of Horror I have to step back from all the gore and ghosts and goblins and look for a good laugh or two and that’s mostly what I found when I watched this installment in the Scary Movie franchise. Don’t get me wrong…I laughed quite a bit, mostly because I’ve seen all the horror movies that are being spoofed here, but some of the one-liners are stale if you’ve seen any of the previous three Scary Movies and crude humor doesn’t always do it for me like it does a 13-year-old boy. Nevertheless, I did enjoy watching the movie and discovering all the easter eggs from some of my favorite horror films.

In this effort, a young lady, Cindy, is hired to take care of an elderly Japanese woman in a house haunted by a Japanese ghost boy who seems to be holding a Grudge. When Cindy and the ghost finally try to communicate, many words are thrown around such as Toshiba and Subaru. Next door, meanwhile, a crane operator named Tom Ryan has his teen Robbie and young daughter Rachel for the weekend. When Tom knocks Cindy out by accident in their back yards, they fall in love. However, the World is soon at War with uneartly space Tr-iPods, so Tom and his kids try to escape town while Cindy lands in a time-warped Village with her bestie and nympho, Brenda. But will the world survive? Other subplots involve a basketball star and self-help guru chained in a bathroom with only a Saw for escape, cowboy best friends turned lovers in the Mountains, a boxer with a penchant for biting ears, and more. 

So, if you’re a fan of spoofs in general and have seen many or most of the horror movies Scary Movie 4 is based on, this is a fun way to spend an evening. Mixing up my usual rating system, I’m rating this one:

  • Top Laugh: So Subjective (for me, involved splitting logs)
  • Giggles: 3 1/2 out of 5
  • Crude Factor: 3 1/2 out of 5
  • Easter Eggs: 4 out of 5
  • Recommended for: No way this is PG-13! I say 15 and up

 

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31 Days of Horror: Things Heard & Seen (MA; 2021; 121 min.)

Posted on October 24, 2021 | Leave a comment

Set in 1980 and starring one of my faves, Amanda Seyfried, the spooky premise of this movie snagged my attention and had me hoping for a good old-fashioned haunted-house/possession story similar to Amityville Horror. Did it deliver? Yes and no. While the premise was good and the movie started nicely, midway through it fell down the what-were-they-thinking rabbit hole and spiraled from there into a Dexter-esque ending that had me groaning and shaking my head.

When teacher George Claire relocates his artist wife Catherine and young daughter Franny to the Hudson Valley and into an historic farmhouse “with good bones,” the family members acclimate in different ways. While George is building his ego and stepping out as Professor Claire among the co-eds, Catherine notices aural lights and strong smells and poor Franny has a ghostly visitor and deals with a flashing lighted toy at night. Catherine  begins to explore the house’s history with the help of locals and George’s seance-holding boss, but does so secretly because George is growing more deceitful, controlling, and disturbing by the day. As tensions mount, deaths begin to add up, and ghosts make themselves known, we wait to find out who–or what—will be left standing in the end.

  • Top Scare: Spirit-related
  • Heartbeats: 1 1/2 out of 5
  • Gore Factor: 1 out of 5
  • Scare Factor: 1 out of 5
  • Recommended for: 15 and up

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Posted in 31 Days of Horror, Entertainment, Halloween, horror, Horror Movie, Movies, Paranormal, scary movies, Streaming, Thriller

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31 Days of Horror: Malevolent (MA; 2018; 89 min.)

Posted on October 22, 2021 | Leave a comment

There’s nothing quite like a spooky orphanage set in the misty countryside and featuring a dark past to set the stage for a good horror movie. Right? Well, let’s see…

When brother and sister Jackson and Angela, who secretly run a ghostbusting racket, are called upon to quiet the incessant noise the headmistress still hears from the girls slaughtered in the home’s violent past, what can possibly go wrong? Could Angela actually have some of the “gift” like her dead mother for communing with spirits? Might she see three young lasses, lips stitched shut, running about giggling, luring her into an unused wing of the mansion? Will Jackson’s money troubles cause him to ignore all warning signs and put him, his sister, his girlfriend, and friend in danger just for a big payday? Might the true horror still be lurking, willing to stop at nothing to keep the secret close to home? And most of all, will any of this be played out with decent acting, good suspense, jump scares, and a spine-tingling conclusion? Well…it’s not the best orphanage/ghost/sinister secret movie I’ve ever seen, but if you’re okay with a slowish plot, an overly annoying character (Jackson), and no true big scares, go ahead and give this one a go.

  • Top Scare: Car Scene
  • Heartbeats: 1 1/2 out of 5
  • Gore Factor: 2 1/2 out of 5
  • Scare Factor: 1 1/2 out of 5
  • Recommended for: 16 and up

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Posted in 31 Days of Horror, Entertainment, Ghosts, Halloween, horror, Horror Movie, Movies, Orphans, Paranormal, scary movies, Thriller

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31 Days of Horror: Nobody Sleeps in the Woods Tonight (MA; 2020; 102 min.)

Posted on October 15, 2021 | Leave a comment

Sticking with my forest-set, foreign-movie-dubbed-over-in-English theme, I couldn’t pass up this Polish slasher-fest homage to the 80s. And while I’m not usually one for gore–and trust me this one has a very high gore rating–the gore is handled in a kind of “ewww gross but I can’t help laughing” kind of way.

It’s present day, and we know that for sure because a big group of teens has just arrived at a camp to help them break free from their addiction to technologies such as cell phones, gaming, computers, and social media. After being broken into smaller groups, each with a leader, they set off to hike and camp in the woods. We follow one group of five as they get to know each other, and yes, there is the standard lot of: brain, slut, gay person, virgin, and loner. Meanwhile, we also are discovering the story of a nearby mutant superhuman man who had been chained in his mother’s cellar his whole life, feeding on the animals she slaughters for him and feeds him raw. That is, until he manages to escape. Hmmm. Wonder where he can find more fresh meat to feed his unique appetite? As the teens and counselor are picked off one by one in incredibly grotesque yet unique and–wait, did I mention grotesque–ways, we are left to wonder if anyone will be left in the end to post, tweet, or text about what they did on their summer vacation. And great news! Some late twists and turns to the story add not only more chances for the special effects team to work overtime, but also provide the perfect setup for that requirement of all 80s slasher flicks: a sequel (releases 10.27.21)!

  • Top Scare: Lakeside
  • Heartbeats: 3 out of 5
  • Gore Factor: 4 1/2 out of 5
  • Scare Factor: 3 1/4 out of 5
  • Recommended for: 17 and up

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31 Days of Horror: Prey (MA; 2021; 87 min.)

Posted on October 14, 2021 | Leave a comment

I almost passed on this German-dubbed-English movie with an all-too-common plotline, but I’m glad I didn’t as it had a nice atmospheric setting and an eerie bad guy.

It’s Roman’s batchelor party weekend. He, his brother Albert, and some friends have been hiking in a remote forest to celebrate, but as they near their vehicle to leave, shots ring out, injuring one. Thinking it’s a random hunting accident, the group calls out and tries to leave, but are soon under fire and are forced to flee back into the woods. As the group runs, hides, argues, and gets picked off one by one, secrets come to light, true personalities are exposed, and a mental killer with nothing to lose becomes their worst nightmare.

  • Top Scare: Discovering the Killer
  • Heartbeats: 2 1/2 out of 5
  • Gore Factor: 3 1/2 out of 5
  • Scare Factor: 2 out of 5
  • Recommended for: 16 or 17 and up

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31 Days of Horror: Malignant (R; 2021; 111 min.)

Posted on October 10, 2021 | Leave a comment

From previews, I was looking forward to this super-scary horror movie, saving it to watch on just the right rainy, dreary October day. The first half hour was fantastic and did not dissappoint. Then, this movie turned into something very, very different. And while it was not necessarily a bad different, it was a weird, creepy, gory, and, did I mention WEIRD, different. Horror movie lovers of many sub-genres will definitely be delighted.

Madison and her POC abusive husband live in an enormous old house. When he is killed in what appears to be a home invasion (but is so scarily carried out by a hooded figure seemingly floating from room to room), Madison begins to have visions of the horrific, gory murders that are happening around the city which are also being committed by this hooded figure. As her sister joins in her efforts of figuring out her visions, her past of being adopted as a young child comes into play. 

Directed by James Wan (The Conjuring), this roller coaster ride of a horror movie flips, rolls, and jerks, offering stomach-drops here and heart-thuds there. It’s unpredictable and more than a bit crazy, but for true horror fans, worth every WEIRD moment.

  • Top Scare: Hooded Figure
  • Heartbeats: 3 out of 5
  • Gore Factor: 4 out of 5
  • Scare Factor: 2 3/4 out of 5
  • Recommended for: 17 and up

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31 Days of Horror: The Swarm/La Nuee (NR; 2020; 101 min.)

Posted on October 2, 2021 | Leave a comment

Having lived through a 17-year-cicada swarm this year, I decided this French creature feature was a great way to kick off my 31 Days of Horror for 2021. And though it wasn’t all bad, this movie was less horror and more headache-inducing than I hoped for.

When a single mom raises locusts to make money on her farm, the results are lackluster. That is, until she discovers what they crave is blood, and she is more than willing to open a vein to grow her business. Meanwhile, as sales take off and she grows weaker from the feedings, her troublesome teenage daughter becomes fed up with being made fun of at school for being the Locust Girl, is tired of the incessant chirping noise outside her bedroom window (the sound is background noise throughout most of the movie), and is sick of eating pasta allllll the tiiiiime (to be read in a whiny voice). In a fit of rage, she unleashes some of the locusts, starting a chain reaction of, well, un-epic proportions. In fact, various swarms escape during the movie, and just disappear after claiming a single victim. The ending is not the best it could be, though it does step it up from the slow lead-up that is the other ninety minutes. If you’re looking for a great creature feature, you can’t go wrong with The Birds or other classics. But, if you miss the sound of cicadas drowning out your every thought this fall and don’t mind a good bit of gore, go ahead and give The Swarm a try.

  • Top Scare: Swarm Attack
  • Heartbeats: 1 out of 5
  • Gore Factor: 2 1/2 out of 5
  • Scare Factor: 1 1/2 out of 5
  • Recommended for: 13 and up

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31 Days of Horror: You Might Be the Killer (MA; 2018; 92 min.)

Posted on October 31, 2020 | Leave a comment

Sometimes the best horror movie is more than just pure horror: add in some humor and you’ve got the best of two movie genres. This play on the camp counselor/slasher flick follows a fun premise with good laughs throughout and even a few scares.

The movie opens with Sam, lead counselor and camp owner, calling his friend Chuck (short for Charlotte, played by the wonderful Alyson Hannigan) while in a bloody, frightened mess. Someone is out there and killing off all the counselors at Camp Clear Vista! Chuck is at work in a brightly-lit, busy comic book store, but helps Sam try to figure out who is doing all this killing while she stocks shelves. She asks him to think back, to recall each dead counselor so they can narrow down who is left and, therefore, who might be the killer. In a non-linear fashion, the kills unfold through Sam’s flashbacks, and the two determine Sam himself just might be the killer. But why? Enter a camp legend, evil spirits, an ex-girlfriend, and many other tropes and the movie’s suspense (and humor) builds as viewers root for both Sam and his victims, until only one person is left standing. And, as we all know, even the dead return in the best horror movies, so the question remains: how long until camp re-opens and who will be head counselor when it does?

  • Top Scare: Mask-related
  • Heartbeats: 2 1/2 out of 5
  • Gore Factor: 3 1/2 out of 5
  • Suspense Factor: 3 out of 5
  • Recommended for: 16 and up

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Posted in 31 Days of Horror, Blood, camp, Entertainment, Halloween, horror, Horror Movie, Humor, Movies, scary movies, Teenagers

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31 Days of Horror: House of the Witch (NR; 2017; 90 min.)

Posted on October 30, 2020 | Leave a comment

If you read my review yesterday of The Gallows, you’ll know I like the teen horror flick trope if it’s done well. In this SyFy outing, unfortunately, what could have been a decent flick suffered from so-so acting, directing, and editing, making it fall short of expectations.

Looking to play a prank in an abandoned mansion which is purportedly haunted, a group of teens full of the usual hubris soon realize they are trapped inside and won’t be going anywhere. As one after another meet the witch and her wrath, using their cell phones for flashlights only since they cannot receive a signal inside to call for help, the movie meanders with blah dialogue and not-so-special effects. IMHO, the scenes with the witch herself could have been decently scary with better camera angles and cut-aways, but alas, this was not the case. In the end, this movie has a few jump scares, but is only worth your time during your 31 Days of Horror if you are short on alternatives.

  • Top Scare: Witch-related
  • Heartbeats: 2 out of 5
  • Gore Factor: 3 out of 5
  • Suspense Factor: 2 out of 5
  • Recommended for: 15 and up

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31 Days of Horror: The Gallows (R; 2015; 81 min.)

Posted on October 29, 2020 | Leave a comment

Remember when horror movies required a cast of teenage characters, a plot set in or around high school, and a big body count à la Carrie? The Gallows harks back to this tried and true formula without being formulaic, all while offering up some good scares, suspense, a few laughs, and a nice twist or two along the way.

Featuring “found footage” and set twenty years after a horrific accident during a school’s play starring a boy named Charlie and a noose on a platform (can you guess the accident?), the main characters are part of a drama group which is honoring the victim by re-staging the same play in the school’s auditorium (hmmm….not sure how that one got past the school board). When one of the leads gets cold feet, he and his friends decide to break in and destroy the set the night before the show opens, so that the show can’t go on. But there are forces at work behind the curtain (seemingly) trying to exact revenge for Charlie’s death, and no one (seemingly) is safe in the (seemingly) endless hallways and backstage/basement rooms in which the teens (definitely) seek safety.

  • Top Scare: Involves Cassidy (Gifford, of Kathy Lee fame)
  • Heartbeats: 3 out of 5
  • Gore Factor: 1 1/2 out of 5
  • Suspense Factor: 3 1/2 out of 5
  • Recommended for: 16 and up

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